Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize