FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
