i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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