and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
So much rum. So many feels.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
