last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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