Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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