i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
