So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
