In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
