Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
