yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
