Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
