I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
