My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
