I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Randomize
