Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
