i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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