My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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