Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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