Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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