Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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