Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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