Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
