if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
