I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
