I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
