if you like me you must not know who I am
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Randomize
