Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
