after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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