as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
