i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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