totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
