I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
