There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
