why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
