I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
