Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
