just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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