Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
He has the fingertips of a God
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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