grandma shit on top of the toilet
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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