I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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