im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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