When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm sobbing to NWA
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
