The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
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