In the future we'll all be gay
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
