Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
