Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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