So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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