dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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