I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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