So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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