Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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