I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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