the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
