I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
