Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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