I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
