apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
