My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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