Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
