Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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