no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
