Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
