i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
