I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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