When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
