Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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