the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
