Fine. I'll sleep in my office
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
