I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
