don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
